I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
