I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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