Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
