Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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