After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
