i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
bring money and cleavage
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
