my phone needs a breathalizer
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
