So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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