I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
