SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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