I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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