Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
