when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
