bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Randomize
