My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
