The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
