I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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