And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
