Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
