My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
