Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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