Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
