The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
