I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
