She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
