Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
being pregnant is like rehab
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Success! We fucked roommates!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
