I can tuck mytits in my pants
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
