everyone is single if you try hard enough
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
