so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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