Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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