porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
My pussy is not your playground.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
