Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
