why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
