My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
