i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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