Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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