There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
