he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
