I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
