No stitches, just platelets and will power
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
