I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
