i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
