I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
