I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
