i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
