3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
