I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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