someone threw a dead crab at me
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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