Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
