I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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