when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
