HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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