The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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