ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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