you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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