Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
